Spanglish Accent: She will be 4

In a matter of days MadHatter will turn four. Four. She is so ready for this, has been ready for the past couple of months. She can't wait to be four. Actually she can't wait to be five, but she will take turning four if that is all she can get. I, on the other hand, am having a harder time with it.

She is going to be four.

That is such a big number for my baby. But that is the problem, isn't it? She isn't a baby anymore, she is a little girl. She is no longer the bow legged 9 month old who's knees still touched when she walked because she had so many rolls of fat. No longer is her face wider than it was long because of cheeks that almost made her eyes disappear (I say almost because if you have seen her eyes, you know you could never make those things disappear). Long gone is the sumo belly that I loved to zerbert (I still love to zerbert it, but it just isn't as big). All signs are pointing to the fact that she has left toddler hood behind her in a blaze of growth spurts and eating binges and learning sprees. I guess the signs have been there for awhile, I have just chosen to ignore them.

She is almost four.

This is the first year that I have celebrated the coming of her birthday with a twinge of sadness. Every other year was such a joy to see her getting older. Becoming more independent. Learning new things at the speed of light. This year, I want to tell her to slow down a bit. Not stop altogether, just pause every once in a while. Because I need to be able to remember these days and they are going by in such a blur. I want her always to be my baby, and already, she is not. And I know I cannot keep this from happening and that stinks.

She is my first. She taught me how to be a mother. We learned, sometimes the hard way, what it meant to be mother and daughter. She taught me everything she knew about being a baby and I did my best to keep up with her. Which wasn't always easy, as she has been in a hurry to grow up since the day she was born. She was my everything, and I mean my everything, for the first 18 months of her life. We did it all together. And as independent as she has always been, she still needed me. For pretty much everything that first year and then less and less as time has passed. And I am just afraid of the day where she won't need me for anything anymore. As it is she no longer needs me to eat breakfast (she has the whole cereal in bowl, milk after and eat thing down cold), she can dress herself and even brush her teeth (though we still help with that). She can work a computer better than I can, turn the tv to her favorite channels (a kids remote helps) and sit for hours "reading" a book or coloring. All things she just doesn't need help with anymore. She can buckle her own car seat and pack her own snack for school. All I really do is the driving anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I know that she still needs me. I know there are 5 things she needs help with for each that she can do on her own. And I am so proud of her for the things she can do by herself. In fact, that is what we have been working towards, isn't it? The purpose of my being her mother is to teach her these things. To make sure that she is ready, both physically and emotionally, to someday survive in this world without me. But not today. Not any time soon.

Because she will only be four.

And that is what I have to remember. Four is a pretty small number in the general scheme of things. She is still just a little girl and there is so much more to come. There will be dress up games where she needs a prince (me). Coloring marathons that need two hands to string the pages together to make a book. There are a million secrets that need to be told and shared between only her and me. There will be tears to wipe, that only Mama can. And band-aids and kisses that heal only when applied by Mom. There are night time stories to be woven and dreams to be talked about and so much more goodness to be had.

And I know that I have been privileged to be a part of her life, a part of her journey, for these past four years. And I can't wait to be a part of the next 40. But let's just slow down a bit. I am just coming to terms with this birthday.

You know - the one where she turns four.