For those of you who are lucky enough to never have caught the flu*, the gosh darn actual flu**, I envy you. And I also know you just can't imagine how awful it really can be. You think it is just a bad bad cold. And that people with the flu are just whiny. Or was that just me? Because I thought people who complained about the fact that their very bones ached until it felt like they were broken, were exaggerating. That the dry cough that didn't seem to ever end could be easily taken care of with cough drops. And that as long as you stayed hydrated, the headache could be managed down to a dull roar. And then, I got the flu for the first time almost exactly 10 years ago.
I was at work and felt just fine. Until I didn't. It was that sudden. I went from fine to bedridden in about 20 minutes. And stayed there for 5 days without getting up for anything more than bathroom breaks. By day 5 or6 I was finally able to get out for a couple of hours a day but the effort was so taxing I was in bed again shortly. It took about 10 days to get back to normal and by then I lost 10 pounds, many brain cells to the awful TV shows I watched because I didn't have the energy to even pick up the remote and almost a week of my life to solid sleep.
I respected the flu. And felt shameful for ever calling those who had it wimps.
And then I forgot about it. Kinda like you forget about most painful episodes in your life - gall stones, ruptured appendix, breaking a bone, the flu... Until they happen again (except for that ruptured appendix thing. That really only happens once).
I was knocked down by the flu on Monday. I went to pick MadHatter up from a playdate and left her friends house feeling just fine, thinking about what I was making for dinner later. By the time we got home 15 minutes later I had a fever of 102, chills so bad that I could not stop shaking and a sharp ache in my right forearm so badly it did feel like I broke the bone (though that wasn't my only ache, it was the worst. For now). Dinner turned into chicken nuggets and chips for the girls, with juice boxes for good measure. They ate it in front of the TV upstairs while I laid down on the couch thinking that I would be fine tomorrow. This was just a 24 hour bug....I love being naive sometimes.
They got their own jammies on, brushed their own teeth and MadHatter read Stinkerbell her bedtime story. I got up to tuck them in and then went to be myself. It was 7 pm. And I didn't sleep at all that night. Not even a minute. I lay there all night, getting up to pee every hour (a strange side effect of the flu), but never slept. I ached so badly I couldn't move (again, except to pee. every hour). I wasn't even really tired; I was past that point. I was "there is a newborn in the house that is up every 1-2 hours for the past 10 weeks" tired. And this was only night one.
But that isn't worst part of it. The worst part is B had left on a business trip, a week long business trip, that morning. I was going to have to be a single Mom all week. A single Mom with the flu. Oh flying turtles, what new levels of hell I have discovered this week...
I learned:
- Kids can live on granola bars, chicken nuggets, chips, and frozen pizza for every single meal for 3 1/2 days straight. They will not die of malnutrition, they will not waste away. It's not ideal but darn it, they demanded to be fed and it was all I had in me.
- The dishes that are generated by said meals will end up where ever the kids decided to eat the meal. And they might get picked up and moved to the kitchen sink if I happened to be walking by them at some point. Which was not often.
- The kids will get to school. But they will be dressed however they decided to dress that day. They hand me the clothes in the morning, I help them put them on and I send them out the door. Teeth got brushed (again, by them, not me) and hair was brushed (by me) but there were no do's being done.
- Laundry that stays in the washing machine after being washed and then forgotten about for 4 days does need to be rewashed.
- Bathing is optional for everyone for the first couple of days but then, no matter how much energy it takes, everyone needs a good scrubbing before the authorities come and ask why the children are covered in chicken nugget crumbs and caked on layers of dirt.
- I did not know that it could literally hurt to move your eyeballs.
- You can watch your house turn into a pigsty right before your eyes and just not give a damn. You can see the dust layers forming, fur balls start to fill every nook and cranny, and muddy paw prints track from your back door to, well, everywhere and somehow you just can't get up the energy to even care.
- The kids that haven't woken in the night in ages will all of a sudden be up 2-3 times each night, crying and screaming. Once you get upstairs and down the hall, they will just tell you that they forgot why they were up. And screaming.
- You will get sick exactly 2 days after taking your first family picture in 6 years (so, ever because the kids weren't even born that long ago) and you will lose a ton of weight. Of course you will.
- The kids will be extra tiring and annoying and they will fight like crazy. It's like they know you can't do anything about it.
- And you won't do anything about it. Your kids will love when you are sick. Because you just don't have the energy to deal. They will have full reign of the house inside and out. What they were up to, I have no idea but they are still alive and have all of their limbs so that worked out for me.
- The dog will drive you nuts wanting to go for a walk. You will seriously contemplate opening the front door and letting her go by herself and hoping she makes it home. Or sending your 5 year old around the block with her (don't call the authorities, I did neither). All in all, she will get no walk.
- Walking up the stairs is enough to cause you to be winded and need to lay down upon arrival at the sofa. You will then fall asleep for the next hour from the effort. Same will be said for taking a shower, feeding the dog or brushing your teeth.
- Your husband will go on a week long trip two seconds before you get sick and will return just as you are feeling better. I know I mentioned that above; I felt it needed repeating.
- Driving while sick with the flu could be just as bad as driving drunk.
- But you will have to drive because of course it is better to have the kids in school than home with you, even if it is just for a few hours.
- And of course, you get sick on Monday because Tuesday is your day to go grocery shopping and there is nothing left in the house. Thank goodness you stocked up on chicken nuggets, frozen pizza and chips last time.
- The kids will have a shortened school week because of parent teacher conferences. Yep, you only get Tuesday and Wednesday without them because Thursday is a half-day and Friday they are off. Yay me!
There is probably more that I have forgotten because I don't think I was in my right mind until about Thursday afternoon. And today, I only feel marginally better. But I think I have hit the turning point now at day 5. I am still exhausted by everything but the fever is gone, the cough is subsiding and I can roll my eyes without wincing. The bones feel like they have all healed and I finally ate solid food.
Which means, of course, B comes home tomorrow.
Get your flu shot people, get your flu shot!!!
* influenza - n. An acute contagious viral infection characterized by inflammation of the respitory tract and by fever, chills, muscular pain and prostration (official definition)
**there is only one. It changes it's formation and attack slightly each year but there is still only one influenza. There IS. NO. SUCH. THING. as the STOMACH flu. You can have a virus that affects your stomach but there is not FLU associated with it.
