Spanglish Accent: You're Gonna Miss This

I am sitting in the oh-so-comfortable sala de jeuegos (playroom) in my girlfriends house and have no access to my computer, so I am starting this post on my cell phone. I just needed to start because I didn't want to forget what this moment was like and why it struck such a chord with me. It's not that I will forget the moment because it was unimportant, but more likely, I will forget because I am the Mom of two toddlers and I forget everything. Everything. Usually just seconds after it was oh-so-important.

I am sitting here, listening to MadHatter and my friends youngest daughter play while I am babysitting. Babysitting. You have to use that word loosely when the kids you are sitting range in age from 7- 10, and the one you brought with you is the youngest in the house, and would be the one that would really need a sitter. There is no baby, this is all sitting. Hence the reason I am trying out their new leather couch, updating my blog, while listening to the two youngest in the house talk about who is going to be playing with which animal from My Littlest Pet Shop. (Don't worry Missy - I checked on them every couple of minutes to make sure that chaos didn't reign supreme). The thing that got me thinking though was the fact that I could never do this at my house. If I sit down, I have two shadows at my feet within seconds. They pepper me with a constant barrage of chatter- "What are you doing Mom?", "Can we help?", "Mom, you need to wipe my tushie", "MoooooooM, come here. NOW." There wouldn't be time to even get the editing software on Blogger pulled up and type one word before I would be interrupted. And now here I am, 309 words in, and no one has even noticed that I am missing. And I am not sure how that makes me feel.

You see, I have been a stay at home Mom ever since I have been a Mom. To tell the truth, I was a stay at home wife for about a year before I even became a Mom. Interesting year to say the least. Maybe someday I can post about it, but for now, let's just say that I have been with my kids since the day they were brought home from the hospital. Even before they came home. Once my children were held in my arms, they stayed within my reach for the duration. And when I mean within reach, I truly mean it. MadHatter spent every single night of her life until she was 2 years, 9 months and 7 days old waking up to me in the bedroom down the hall (and Stinkerbell is not to be forgotten - hers was a mere 1 year, 3 months and 20 days with no break from Mama - but that is still a good number). That is 1011 days that MadHatter woke up knowing I was there and then spent almost every waking second within earshot. And I can count the number of times she went to sleep at night without me putting her in bed on less than two hands. Not by choice really, but by necessity. You see, our closest family lived about 1500 miles away and that doesn't make for good babysitters. Co-op babysitting never worked for us, since the people we would want to go out with, are the people that would have to be home watching our kids. And forget about paying babysitters. The going rate in California was such that we could afford to pay the sitter, or we could afford to go out. Not both. So where is this going, you ask?

Here I am sitting on this supple leather couch, having gotten 608 words pecked out on my tiny phone keyboard (thanks google), and looked up the number of days my kids were alive before I left them overnight (you didn't think I knew that off the top of my head now, did you?), and I even had time to really think (I mean, really think) about what I was feeling and, in that time I have not been interrupted once. Not one single scream has left the lips of these children, not one fight, not a question or request or demand. It is almost like there are no children in the house, unless you count the laughter that is coming from MadHatter and her bestest buddy. And I can't help but try to calculate the number of days that it will be before this type of behavior is the norm in my house and not something that I think is so extraordinary that I have to write a post about it. I love my job. Being Mom is the best thing I have ever done, but I can't help but long for a future when my job is not so intense. When I will feel like it is more about being a mother and less about being a prison warden, or referee. But that feeling of longing for a different, easier life lasts about 5 minutes and then is replaced with the knowledge I have had all along, the knowledge that I wouldn't trade these years for anything in the world. Not even for the ability to go pee by myself. I know these are difficult years and I know the effort is endless, but I also know that in the end you reap what you sow. And I am in this to sow the best seeds I can. I also know this is such a fleeting time. Everyone who has ever raised kids will tell you how quickly they grow up and how much you wish you could have the "baby" back for just a short while. Country Music has dedicated a lot of songs to this subject but I think the best is by Trace Adkins - You're Gonna Miss This. The chorus sums up everything I am trying to say, but much better. Much, much better. Probably why he makes millions and I write a blog. The chorus goes- You're gonna miss this/You're gonna want this back/You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast/These are some good times/So take a good look around/You many not know it now/But you're gonna miss this.

So, there I was sitting on the couch, relaxing for the first time in I don't know how long, and it hit me- I am in the middle of the best time of my life - and I always will be. There is never going to be a better tomorrow, or an easier next year as it may be. It will always be the here and now and the only thing I can hope for is that I am living it to the best of my ability and enjoying it to the depths. I need to appreciate the moments as they are happening and not wish them away so that I can get to a simpler time. It cheats us all - me, the girls, B. And I don't want to do that. Because I realized as I was sitting there, even though I got to spend almost every single waking minute with my kids, I still hve a hard time remembering what MadHatter was like as an infant, then a one year old, and finally a toddler. (I could chalk that up to sleep deprivation, as we did have 2 in 17 months). I am looking at her now (we are now home) and I see no trace of a baby. Gone are the huge (and you will see, HUGE) brown eyes, the pixie haircut and the cheeks that were just waiting to be bitten. The impish voice and the chubby rolls have all given way to the little girl she is becoming. And I have to stop and really concentrate to remember what it was like to hold her in my arms and talk to her so quietly at night in her rocker. She wouldn't stand for that now, even if I could get both of us into that rocker. Even my Stinkerbell, who still has her rolls and her impish voice, is starting to grow up and demand that I treat her as the toddler she is and no longer as my baby. If I try to cuddle her too long, I get a stern look and an "I not a baby" before she wiggles out of my grasp and runs off to torment her big sister. It all goes so fast and I want to scream at them to slow down. Stop growing up before my eyes. I am not ready for this. But since I can't freeze them at this age forever, the best I can do is continue to take pictures and use them to help me take a walk down memory lane every once in awhile.