Seven months ago I sold my home, uprooted my children, took a huge leap of faith and moved 6000 miles to start a new life in Chile. Seven months. We left everything and everyone we knew behind. And we did it with a wide eyed sense of adventure. A longing to get to know the world and the people in it. But we also knew that for our sake, and the sanity of our kids, we would have to build a home base. A place where our kids felt that they belonged. Somewhere that we felt like a family and a place that we could be us. The same people we were in California. Even though no one here knew us yet, we had to be able to recognize ourselves within the confines of our own walls. We didn't just want to rent a house, we wanted to build a home. And I feel like we did. Or were well on our way. I painted walls, I slaved over the babies rooms. I made sure that they loved their space and that they knew it was their space. We put up permanent pool fencing so that the girls would be safe. We planted flowers, we landscaped. We turned our rental into something that we would enjoy raising our girls in for the next 2-3 years. I know we haven't been here long enough to really have put down roots but it has been long enough that our house was starting to feel like our sanctuary. A place that everyone felt at ease. I really thought that this was going to be our home for the duration of our stay in Santiago. I never dreamed that we would be forced out such a short time after having arrived. I guess in some ways that is a good thing. Because if I had known, I never would have settled in. And it is very hard to live life unsettled.
It is leaving me a bit stressed. A bit worried. A lot overwhelmed. But mostly, I am just sad. Just really, really sad. For the kids, for B, for me. It is now going to start all over again. The anxiety of finding just the right home (not a house, a home). Talking through the fears that both of my girls have - MadHatter has already started asking a million questions. She wonders whether she will be able to keep the same friends, or if she has to start over again like last time. She asked if she will have to learn another language, like when we came here. She even wanted to know if we were going back to California where James lives. Oh, dear child, you break my heart - even as it is already breaking. I have to tell them not to worry and calm their anxiety, even as I have to deal with my own. I know this is called being a mother, but it never gets easier. MadHatter asked me today if we are going to move houses every time she had a birthday (heck, it has happened 50% of the time, I can see where she might think this). And Stinkerbell will have lived in 3 houses in 2 1/2 years. I don't even like writing this anymore...
I know that this is the downside of being an expat and having to rent. But I have no choice living in a foreign country. We are not allowed to buy so we throw ourselves at the mercy of landlords and contracts and rental properties. I feel helpless. And if you know me, I don't do helpless well. Yes, I like to move but this is not a move that is stemming from opportunity, it is coming out of necessity. It is not pleasant, it is not fun and I am dreading every minute of it. It would be different if we had been the ones to make the decision. If we had found fault with our house and just couldn't live here any longer. But this is not the case. This is a forced move and the forced move is just not enjoyable. There is a time limit hanging over your head. You are a the mercy of the market and the real estate agents. You are taking something that should be exciting and fun, and turning it into chaos. And if I don't do helpless well, I don't do chaotic at all.
And there is the crux of it all. I know I am looking at this all wrong. I know it and yet I still choose to do it. Just for today. Ok, maybe tomorrow too. I will spend a day or two and think about how much this sucks...and then I will move on. I will chew on this and mull it over, and then I will stop. I will then consciously choose to look at the bright side and won't dwell on the hard parts. I will do what I do best and that is deal with it head on, as best as I know how. But for right now, I am going to indulge my "glass is half empty" side. After all that the housing market has handed me in the past couple of years, I feel I deserve it.
So, today is my "this sux" post. Tomorrow, or maybe later in the week, after I have gone through the Stages of Adjustment, I will post the "glass half full" side of the story. Because that is the girl that usually runs that show, and I tend to like her better anyway.
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