This Mortal Coil

James died today.

And he will probably die again tomorrow, and perhaps next week.  Because, to the 4 1/2 year old mind, that is a possibility.  {If you don't know the story of James - click on the very first word - it will give you the background you need}.

She has lost her Abuelo and her Great Grandma this year.  Within 10 months of each other.  One of them she loved through their visits on Skype {and love she did} and one she clung to each and every time she saw her.  To a little girl, loving them and then losing them, is unfathomable.  So she turns to James, the one that can fathom such a thing happening, and then she kills him off.  I don't know how he died.  I just know that his passing was sad.  And she would really like to cry about it but doesn't think that he would want her too.

Sweet baby girl stop breaking my heart.

She talks about how when I am old and a Grandma she will take care of Stinkerbell because I have died too.  I tell her that, in all probability, by the time I pass on Stinkerbell will be able to take care of herself.  She isn't buying any of it {as evidenced by the 5 am visits to my room from that bad dream}. She keeps telling me it will be "a long, long, long, long time" before I die but that Sintkerbell will still need her. And that I am sure of.  Because Stinkerbell will need her for the rest of her life.  Even if she, too, is a grandmother.  She tells me she will be a grandma by then..but I take that with a grain of salt because she also tells me  that she will get married next year "wearing the dress that you wore when you married Papa, but I will have a veil".  So she is a bride at 6, a mother at 10 and a grandmother at 12 in her world?  That doesn't add up to "a long, long, long time" before I die using my old school math.

This little soul shouldn't have to wrestle with understanding these issues at such a tender age.  She should be able to live carefree and not worry about when the next person she loves is going to be out of her life.  Forever.  But it is her reality.  And as much as I don't like it for her, I also won't shield her from it.

Why, you ask? Why can't you just gloss over it until she is really old enough to understand it?  To process it properly?

Because it is her reality.

And because it is her reality, it will become a part of her story.  The story of her life.  The one that she tells to her future husband when he asks where she came upon her empathy.  The one she talks about when her friends ask why she is always available- even in the worst of situations.  These will be the experiences she will draw upon when wondering whether to cancel  the hot date she has tonight just because her college roommate has a bad boyfriend moment.  {Of course, she cancels}.  These are the things that will make her the friend she already is at 4, the intricate and caring woman that she will become at 20 and the mother that stays up late at night, without a thought in the world for herself, whenever her babies need her too.  Because she knows that there are things that truly matter in our lives and being with the people we love, while they are still here, is one of them.

I do wish I could make this type of learning easier for her.  The pain of losing someone that is dear is never easy.  No matter our age.  The heartache of having to go on and live each day without those we wish we could hold in our arms, just one more time, is something you don't ever get used to.   The knowledge that no matter how good you are or how greatly you live your life, there are still things outside of your control.  These are lessons that I am still struggling with and I am 10 times her age.  It's not something I would wish for her.  But it is something I am so proud of her for handling the way she has.

She has faith. She has strength.  She has empathy.  And she has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met.

I just hope she knows how much she was loved by both of her grandparents.  And by those of us still here on this mortal coil.  And even after we have shuffled off...

Forever.  You are loved.

*For those wondering how Stinkerbell is doing - she is great.  She is still too young to understand any of this.