For a while, when we were living in California, I dreamed of having a housekeeper. Someone to do all the chores that I really disliked - bathrooms, dusting baseboards, cleaning out the refrigerator, doing dishes. I couldn't justify the cost though since we didn't have kids, I didn't have a job and there was really no reason I couldn't get it all done. I just didn't want to.
Shortly after moving there though, we had MadHatter. Now, I may not have had a job outside the home, but I sure had one with a new baby at home. But I still couldn't justify the cost. With only MadHatter and I, there was still time to get the chores done.
17 months later we brought Stinkerbell home. Now I could probably have justified the cost and the need. There were weeks (yes, weeks) where nothing got cleaned except if it was so dirty neither B nor I could stand it. If company was coming over I did the 3 hour scrub down while the girls were sleeping, but nothing too in depth. This is when I really started dreaming of having a housekeeper, and a nanny. And we even looked into it. But even though I could justify the need, it was still a luxury that we couldn't afford.
And then, about a year ago, we were notified that we would be moving to Chile. I was excited for many reasons but I think what put me over the top was that live in help is the norm in South America. So much so that every single house we looked at renting came with a bedroom and bathroom (usually off of the kitchen) specifically designated for the Nana (the term for your live-in maid, cook, nanny etc...). Maybe, just maybe, I could find a few minutes to myself every day if I had someone to help. I was over the moon. I could run to the store without my kids in tow and get it done in record time...or I could take my time without worrying that someone would have a meltdown. If I needed to take one child to the doctor (or myself), the whole family did not have to tag along. Heck, if I just wanted to go out and grab lunch with my girlfriends, I could. No planning ahead to make sure I had a sitter, or B could stay home and watch the girls. I think the thought of having a Nana got me through the last 4 months we were in California.
And it was great. She did all of my cooking, my grocery shopping (though we all had to go to the store), my cleaning, my laundry, and watched the kids when I needed to run out. B and I went out to dinner mid-week if we felt like it. Not for any reason, just because we could. She was a playmate for my kids. I don't know about you but I can only take sitting on the floor playing with Barbie (or puzzles, or anything) for only so long and then I get bored, sore, tired of the same thing over and over. Not Nani - she could play with the girls for ever. Sounds like a little slice of heaven to you, right? Me too. For a little while. But then I started to realize that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
It started slowly, so slowly that at first I didn't notice it. Because at first there was so much going on with the move and trying to settle in that any help was nothing but a blessing. Once settled, I was trying to find my way around, getting to know where things were and getting MadHatter into school and their kids routines and it was a godsend to have another set of hands helping me. But then life went back to normal. It is the 90 percent rule I have written about (90% of your life is the same, no matter where you live). I was back to my routine, and realized, that she was taking over my job. If she did the cooking, cleaning, babysitting, laundry and played with my kids, what did I do? She was becoming me and I was...Who? Without being a housewife, without being a worker bee, without being a mom 24/7 - who was I? I found myself in limbo. I didn't know who I was because all the things that defined me before, no longer applied. And I no longer had anything to do except piddle around the house. I can only do that for so long and then I get bored. I can't go out and get a job since I still speak Spanglish. I wouldn't feel right taking up a hobby while someone else is taking care of my kids and my house. I am just not wired that way. I was a bit adrift in a brand new country.
And I also started to realize that I am a bit of a control freak. No, this is not the first time I realized it but it is the first time I realized that I had specific instructions about my laundry (don't shrink it, pre-treat stains so they don't set, iron until the wrinkles are gone not just until the garment is warm). I never noticed before how much it bothers me when my things are not put back where they belong. Imagine someone coming into your house and moving all of your knickknacks ever so slightly. Just enough so that nothing is pleasing to the eye anymore. Enough so that you have to go back and put it the way it belongs or it will drive you insane. (And yes, we told her many, many times to put things back where they belonged. Even offered to take pictures for her to work from because that is how bad it got). And, silly me, I liked for someone to actually wash the girls if they got in the bathtub, not just sit in a tub full of bubbles and call that clean. I could go on but it just came down to the fact that we were not on the same page when it came to what the expectation was.
First, I thought it was because she had too much work. I know that feeling and it can be overwhelming. I thought it would help when MadHatter started school in the mornings. I would have Stinkerbell with me so she was free to clean all morning. It didn't help. So, I took over the grocery shopping for her. Since she was cooking, she gave me a list and she was free to stay home and clean. Then I took over my laundry again. Then I had to start cleaning after she was done cleaning since it was more time consuming to have to tell her to do it for the third time this month. At this point I am doing the laundry, grocery shopping and general cleaning. While keeping Stinkerbell with me. We were paying someone to keep the house in order and yet I was spending an inordinate amount of time following behind and setting things right. At this point, I simply have a very expensive cook and bathroom cleaner. And someone who lived in my house 24/7. It felt a bit overcrowded. I saw Nana so much more than I saw B and there is just something unnatural in that.
So you are now asking, "Why didn't you just fire her and get someone else?" or "You did it by yourself for years, why not go back to that?" First, because in talking with all of my friends who employ live in Nana's it seems that this is the norm. That I would just be trading one set of problems for another if we tried to start over. Sadly to say stealing is big among the Nana set. One thing I had going for me was I trusted her implicitly. Finding a trustworthy Nana that is good with your kids is a rare find. Throw in the fact that you want her to be a decent cleaner, cook and laundress...almost impossible. Second, we could have just done without. We did for many years before moving here. But there were things that suffered because of it and one of them was my health and less importantly my hair, nails, sanity... Because B travels a lot and I have young kids I have two options with appointments of any kind - make them for when he is in town and can watch the girls (very few days a year) or I can take the girls with me (not possible here as it is frowned upon. They all have Nana's at home, remember? Kids don't go anywhere except dinner usually). Sitters are hard to find during the day as most that would be likely candidates are Nana's. It sounds a bit trivial until you realize the number of appointment I have. Mandatory doctor ones, not the nail, hair and spa kind. So, we decided to stick it out until the new school year - which started March 12 - and both girls would be gone all morning. I would have all morning to do anything I pleased...(which so far has included physical therapy and Spanish lessons only, exciting huh?)
This past Saturday morning we let our Nana go. I was dreading it, even though I was not the one doing the firing, because I had a bit of guilt about it. But instead of feeling really bad I instantly felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I could walk around my house, naked if I felt like it, and not run into anyone else. I could have some privacy without having to lock myself in my own room. I felt like I could finally breathe again. Things were back to the way I remembered them and that made me happy. I was still a bit worried about the girls. How would they react? Would they miss her, ask about her? My worries were wasted. Both of them asked about her but when I told them it was just going to be us again they jumped up and said YAY! They have never mentioned it again.
I know this may sound like I was ungrateful for the help I got for the year she was here. And I hope it doesn't because I really did like the helping hands. I just didn't want them to live with me. We have hired someone to help me out with the basics twice a week because the cleaning here really is much different than back home (bathrooms must be cleaned at least twice a week or you will have problems with staining, and the dusting is out of control as surfaces can accumulate a fine layer overnight, literally). But overall, I am back to being the one in control. The one that does the cooking, the cleaning and laundry. And I feel like I am back to being my old self again.
I still won't do the baseboards, or the fridge, or the bathrooms. There has to be some benefit to having a live out Nana.
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